‘I fought to stay in touch with my siblings while in care
“Your siblings are your first friends as a child, they’re the people you grew up with and you shouldn’t be punished for circumstances beyond your control by being separated from them because you’ve gone into care.”
Isabelle Kirkham’s words sum up how strongly she feels about the powerful relationship between siblings and why efforts should be made to ensure children in care can maintain relationships with their brothers and sisters.
Isabelle, now 26, is the second eldest of six children and went into care at the age of nine. Throughout her time in care, she fought to stay in touch with her siblings who were placed all over the country.
“Although I went into care at the age of nine, I had social worker involvement for most of my childhood before that,” she tells i. “It was normal for me and I just thought everyone had a social worker, which is quite sad when I look back and think about it.”
Isabelle was sent to live with a foster carer in a rural area 22 miles away from her school. One of her brothers was in a foster placement nearby, so initially they went to the same primary school and made the taxi journey together each morning. However, he was then moved to a different placement so she made the hour-long journey alone and couldn’t attend after-school clubs.
When she began secondary school, Isabelle decided she didn’t want a long journey so moved to a closer school away from her friends.
She says the hardest part for her was being separated from her siblings – three of her younger siblings had been moved more than 200 miles away.
“It was very difficult to go from living with my siblings to almost never seeing them,” she recalls. “At first, I was allowed to see them six times a year, but then it went to three times a year. But it would only be for a couple of hours.
“We would try to meet halfway sometimes, but if we go stuck in traffic, it sometimes meant we would only get an hour together.
“Even though I was only nine, I had a very motherly role with my siblings and it was hard to go from that to not seeing them and not really understanding why I wasn’t seeing them.
“My siblings were the people I had grown up with and were my lifeline. I have a wonderful relationship with my younger siblings and there is a lot of love there. It felt awful to have that love pulled away from us for things that weren’t our fault at all.”
Isabelle stayed with the same foster carer from the age of nine to 16 and was then given the option of staying in that foster placement, going into supported accommodation, or moving back with her biological family.
“I didn’t want to go into supported accommodation as I knew friends who were in that space and it was not how I felt like I could live as I didn’t feel I had the life skills,” she says.
“I didn’t want to live in foster placement any longer, so the only decision left for me was to move back in with my biological family.
“I made that decision, but looking back, I don’t feel it is an option I should have been offered and it wasn’t the right environment for me.”
Isabelle ended up sofa surfing and staying wherever she could until she went to university where she achieved a first in drama, applied theatre and education.
Isabelle is now married and living in Liverpool where she is studying for a masters in political science and international relations.
She says she has made a real effort to see her siblings as much as possible and rebuild her relationship with them after missing out on seven years together.
“The social workers’ only real effort for us to keep in contact with each other was by arranging meetings in person.
“But I made the effort as a child to write letters to them and they would write back to me and I telephoned them with the permission of my foster mum. That was all down to me.”
Isabelle first came across the charity Become, which supports children in care and young care leavers, when she was at university and needed some advocacy support. She was then invited to connect with other young people who had experienced care and is now involved in helping them raise awareness of important issues.
i has launched its Christmas appeal to encourage readers to help us raise £150,000 for Become so it can help more young people in care.
Isabelle is particularly keen to highlight the importance of siblings in care being able to keep in regular touch and maintain a strong relationship.
“Siblings are among the first people you connect with as a child and form relationships with and that should be acknowledged in social work,” she says.
“Become is a great charity because it helps get the voices of care experienced young people listened to and allows us to speak for ourselves.
“There are many misconceptions about young people who have been in care such as that we can’t achieve great things such as degrees, getting our dream job, buying a house or writing a book.
“We can do all of those things if we want to; we just need the support to do it and charities like Become provide support to young people to be able to achieve those things.”
How to donate
i has launched its 2023 Christmas Appeal “Together We Care” urging generous readers to raise money to help Become give vital advice and practical support to 1,300 children in care and young care leavers.
We initially set a fundraising target of £75,000 but thanks to the generosity of i readers, we now hope to raise £150,000 for the charity.
Click here to read more about what Become does:
Here’s what your donation can provide:
- £2.50 sends a handwritten Christmas card to a child in care.
- £5 helps a child in care stay in touch with brothers or sisters living apart from them.
- £12 gives Christmas dinner to a young person who recently left care.
- £25 gives a Christmas present to a child in care or young care leaver.
- £45 pays for a young person to travel to Parliament to share their story with interested MPs.
- £50 pays for employment coaching to help someone leaving care find a job.
- £75 provides one-to-one guidance for a young person applying to university.
Click here to donate: www.becomecharity.org.uk/i-appeal
