Tory conference is weirdly jolly

Hello and welcome to Conference Confidential!

I’m Marie Le Conte and I wish I could tell you how the Q&A with the leadership candidates went yesterday, but when I went to the main hall I was told that the main hall was not the main hall but instead Hall 4 on the second floor was now the main hall, so I went there but was told that to get into Hall 4 I had to go on the sixth floor, and so I went up the stairs but was told that Hall 4 was full but I could go to Hall 5 instead on the third floor, and I made my way there and then I asked someone what was happening in Hall 5 and they said “I don’t know”. 

You may think this is a metaphor for the state of the Conservative Party, or the country, or both, but it is not. I just needed you to understand just how confusing everything about the Birmingham ICC is.

Jolly tories

Why exactly is the mood at Tory conference so jolly? This was the question I pondered  yesterday as I kept bumping into very upbeat people seemingly having a lovely time. Did they remember the election – that happened three months ago? The election that was their worst result in over a generation? The election that means they’re likely to be out of power for a decade? That election?

I decided to ask people what they made of it, and was given several possible explanations. The most obvious one is that, well, it’s in their DNA. Labour won a landslide and spent three days whining in Liverpool because that’s what they do; the Tories have seven-and-a-half MPs left but are still having a good time because it’s who they are.

If there is free wine and fellow Tories to talk to, they’ll enjoy themselves.

Another theory put forward by several people is that the party now gets to feel smug. Sure, Labour is in government, but they’re just not doing as well as people thought they would.

“See, not that easy running the country, is it?” is a sentiment I heard multiple times. It would have been humiliating if Starmer had come in and managed to govern without even the hint of a gaffe, but that hasn’t happened. Now safely back in the audience, Conservatives can munch on their popcorn and enjoy the show.

Putting those two theses together brings us another thesis: they genuinely think they could be back in power in five years. Scratch that: James Cleverly – and he won’t be the only one – believes that Labour could be out of Downing Street again before even 2028.

He was asked about it at an Onward fringe event and amazingly his answer didn’t make anyone laugh. Conservatives are a naturally optimistic lot, and it doesn’t take much for them to assume that everything will be fine.

Well, some of them anyway. One astute former MP pointed out to me that “if you’ve come to this Conservative conference as a Conservative, then by definition you’re an optimist”, which was a reasonable point. 

All in all, then, everything is going unexpectedly swimmingly in Birmingham – but don’t expect it to last. Already yesterday, there were whispers that this felt like the last hurrah.

The Government’s teething problems and the excitement of the Conservative Party leadership contest have breathed more life into this conference than it deserves. This time next year, the party will still be out of power, and it feels likely that their leader will be firmly in place but broadly ignored by the general public. Not that easy being in opposition, is it?

Some vignettes

In no particular order, I wanted to mention:

• The Conservative peer who ordered a £60 round at the conference hotel, noticed that there was a five pound service charge and asked the bartender to remove it before paying.

• The former MP heard, late at night, merrily bellowing “THAT POTHOLE? IT’S NONE OF MY BUSINESS ANYMORE!”

• The Cleverly supporter who, when asked why she backed him, replied plainly that “I support James because he’s the only one I could bring into Wetherspoon’s and he wouldn’t get punched”.

• MP Joy Morrissey’s wonderful understatement at a panel on getting more young women to vote Tory, as she explained that “we saw who were voting for us, and young women weren’t necessarily in that cohort”. As a reminder, 6 per cent of female 18 to 24 year olds voted Conservative in July.

• The activist who, on that same panel, noted sadly that “not many normal people want to get involved in the Conservative Party”

Finally, and on a more personal note, I wanted to make an appeal to one of the leadership candidates. Robert Jenrick, if you’re reading this – please stop somehow always being behind me.

For days now I have tried to live my life openly and honestly in the Birmingham conference centre and still, several times a day, I turn around and you’re there. No other candidate keeps appearing seemingly out of nowhere. 

Robert Jenrick, please, we have to stop meeting like this. I have made accidental eye contact with you more times in 48 hours than I’ve hugged my own mother in the past decade. It has to end. Together, we can stop bumping into each other on average once every 75 seconds.